I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
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Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
TRAIN’S HERE
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable