@OhNoSheTwitnt: I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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@turboescortdude: 3 y/o: I want a bagel Me: We don't have any 3 y/o: You're a idiot Me: How did you survive your abortion
@DaddyJew: My first day as a cat burglar, Victim: you know you don't actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this Me: *hisses
@ShutUpThatsWho: COWORKER: how old is our boss? ME: cut him in half & count the rings CW: doesn't that only work on trees? ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE'S 38