@OhNoSheTwitnt: I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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@Try2StopME: Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
@ElleOhHell: HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar* BARTENDER: Why the long fa-- HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
@ipalatsky: As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince. It's my husband's dream now.
@Faux_Ma: At my job interview today the Boss said, "You're shaking, don't be so nervous." So I told him, "Oh, I'm not nervous, I'm an alcoholic."