I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I’m putting together a team
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.