I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.