You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
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Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR