I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Best spot.. 😅
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.