The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
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Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.