I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
You Might Also Like
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs