I could NOT have put it better myself.
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people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
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Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
this is the greatest thing ever
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?