@HuajatollaChic: Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.

@omerwahaj: An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

@: [inventing trees] Angel: what purpose do they serve? God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em Angel: can they climb back down? God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

@juneohara65: "Go ahead, caller...." "Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way."

@fightforfood: The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don't wanna die