@panmidwest: [world series game 1] Wife: where are our seats? Hamlet: 2b... Wife: there are people there Hamlet: or not 2b

@Shade510: Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

@Ideal_Victoria: All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

@ArfMeasures: Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you're fearless Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

@KKAlThani: I pretend I'm on the phone when entering a barbershop & say "I stabbed him only cause I hate small talk " so he doesn't try to talk to me.