I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
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Every damn time
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Somebody call the cops.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.