@LuvPug: I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
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@munkayc: Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend's annoying snoring doesn't make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..
@Jake_Sniff: [girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge [CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my "secretly move in with her" plan
@heidi420x: if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people's phones.