@LuvPug: I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
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@iLikeCatShirts: Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today. Wife: We don't talk. Plus he is so literal. Me: My truck.
@BGH70: The company hates when I helicopter into work. It's always, "zip up your pants and go see HR now!"
@maughammom: Me: "You kids aren't getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!" Grandma: "Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing."