I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
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I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.