The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
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I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
And bowling should be called pinball
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?