I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
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t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding