“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Investing in beetcoin
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.