I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I’m sorry…what?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.