I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.