I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Sunday
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.