all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]