I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
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*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant