i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
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Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
こいつ天才
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that