Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.