I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
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Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Xylophonist Shredding It
Respect
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches