I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint