I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
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First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..