I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
You Might Also Like
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.