Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.