I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.