I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
You Might Also Like
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
With this onion ring, I thee fed
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood