4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Lmaoo 😂
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes