@Lunatic_times: I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.
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@ThisLocalHater: The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.
@tarashoe: a proper response to girl calling "amy?" in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON'T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
@robfee: The sequel to Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory is just a series of horrified people finding parts of missing kids in their chocolate bars
@Book_Krazy: FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning *Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* "yes"