@BrettDruck: I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn't Tobey Maguire
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@djdarrellripley: Me: Come to my party. I'm making my "secret special punch." Her: You mean vodka & food coloring? Me: Who told you my secret?!?
@TheAlexNevil: Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn't understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
@WilliamAder: Every year on Valentine's Day, I put a smile on my wife's face by taking down the Christmas tree.
@measday519: Research says that if you're afraid of spiders, you're most likely to find them in your bedroom. I'm afraid of men with accents so...