I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
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[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.