I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
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It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.