I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
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Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
😆this is so true
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.