[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
So, can we agree on 4 or
“Why you watching this shit?”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Why is no one talking about this?!
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.