I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
never compromise your values
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!