I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
asking santa clause for nudes
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho