I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Current mood: Potato
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR