@UnicornSyrup: "I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled "Ninja School", followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School"
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@TheCatWhisprer: I just laid on my cat's keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
@ArfMeasures: [Stranded after plane crash] ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first GUY: But why, pacifically? ME: Ok I've made my choice
@Bob_Heller: Party Tip: At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
@tiffinysawyers: Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I'm available.