“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.