“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
You Might Also Like
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
This is my pinned tweet
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever