I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
My last name is Zilla.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.