I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
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I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
sugar glider wrangler
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron