I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
This is my brand.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *