[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
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Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
🙋♀️
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.