“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
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Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.