@ieatanddrink: "I deleted that tweet because I've really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it's just not up to my current standards"
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@ShockTartBionic: Your baby's got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection? Are you even trying to keep him alive?
@Cravin4: Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
@djdarrellripley: Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor) Me: Mmm, this tastes good. Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
@SortaBad: Every time I'm at a friend's house I look at the ceiling & say "You like to watch, don't you.." so I look cool if they have a hidden spy cam