“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving