Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
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getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Always the camel, never the toe.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
That’s enough internet for the day
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?