i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
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DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude