I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
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We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
A Short Story.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?