@MermaidintheUSA: I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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@_NinJar: *cop frisking me* Cop: "theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?" Uh, no Cop: "OW!" *baby porcupine jumps out* RUN POKEY, RUN
@weinerdog4life: Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there's a wormhole in my kitchen
@Sarcasmo718: When I'm sad I drive over to Keanu Reeve's house and watch him check the mailbox for scripts.
@Sarcasticsapien: People in love use phrases like "takes my breath away" and "swept me off my feet". I think they're confusing love with attempted murder.