I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
🤣😈🤣
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.