@MermaidintheUSA: I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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@iwearaonesie: [3 am] toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed* me: You are the worst ninja ever
@Mr_Kapowski: To the cars honking behind me, Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets
@Beatonm5: what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
@XplodingUnicorn: Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit Me: Are you sure about that? *gives him a handful of Cheez-Its* Cop: Have a nice day, sir.