Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
This is amazing.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
favorite tropes as memes
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.