[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
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IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
File under excellent bookstore names.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL