@trevso_electric: I didn't flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she's pudding our kids in the middle :(
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@ChickenColeman: How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE
@Fred_Delicious: [Girl takes off her clothes] "You have had sex before right?" [Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower] ... "no actually"