“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
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[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
No, I don’t think I will.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.